Dear person who stole the valve stem caps from my tires:

Is our nation in the midst of some kind of valve stem cap shortage? Or were all four of your tires spontaneously losing air at such an alarming rate that you had to borrow my caps so you could drive home in time to comfort your dying mother as she took her last breath? Maybe you morally excused yourself because you did the deed in a UCLA parking structure and my car has a USC parking permit.

In any case, I hope you’re OK and I run over into you someday.

My wahmbulance is here. Gotta go.

Diana